New Bear Market Financial Terms

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We have created a new take on many traditional stock market and financial terms for the new economy.  Some of these are gut busters and some may hit a little close to home.  Sometimes the lighter side of Wall Street (or a lot more money) is what we all need to get through the hard times. 

Below is the long list:

  • "201/K": What used to be your 401/K, but cut in at least half.
  • "I.R.A.": This is the paramilitary group you want to sick on thepeople who created the over-the-counter instruments and financialderivatives that are making this financial mess much worse than itshould have been.
  • "IPO": The acronym that one yells when they see their brokerage accounts or discover the balance of the 201/K.  "I’m Pissed Off!"
  • "Short Squeeze": This is what you think your chair is doing to you when you try to calculate the new balance of your investments.
  • "Foreclosure": The time that the stock market stops dropping each day.
  • "Stock Broker": The value of your shares each day.
  • "Discount Broker": The value of your shares of the brokerage firm you own.
  • "Bond Broker": That guy who puts up court money to get you out of jail.
  • "Market Sell-off": Daily news reports.
  • "Selling Short": The notion you get every time you decide to not go with one of your winning stock picks.
  • "Dollar Cost Averaging": Sticking with a strategy that isn’t working.
  • "Market Crash": The last sound of Alec Baldwin jumping out of the window at the end of this SNL commercial.
  • "Market Rally": A church vigil for investors praying for this stock market selling to end.
  • "Bailout": What investors have been doing for weeks and weeks.
  • "Credit Default Swap": When you trade canceled credit cards with your friends and family.
  • "Treasury Bill": $700 billion to $3 trillion that your kids will have to pay for this mess, plus interest.
  • "Over The Counter Derivative": The same stuff meth is made with.
  • “CDO”: Community Debt Onus
  • "Financial Adviser": Bookie.
  • "Hedge Fund": The money, jewelry, and silver coins you buried in your back yard or stuck in a safe.
  • "Analyst": Your proctologist’s trainee.
  • "Risk Manager": The guy who rubber-stamped AAA ratings as the second coming.
  • "Underwriter": That creepy guy that works for the funeral home.
  • "Margin Call": What your former financial adviser keeps calling you about.
  • "Options Expiration Date": When you decide to give up on the stock market forever.
  • "Recession-Proof": That really strong and cheap booze that everyone is drinking now; formerly called rot gut.
  • "Stock Split": What you think happened with your shares when you see the share price each week.  But it didn’t split.
  • "Bottom Sniffing": When bottom fishing doesn’t work.
  • "52-Week Low": How you feel each new day when you get home.
  • "TARP": What you sleep under after you lost your job, car, and house.
  • "Going Private": Telling your friends you are out of the stock market but aren’t really out.
  • "Private Equity": What Eliot Spitzer got in trouble over.
  • "Resistance": Almost every penny price increment above the current price.
  • "Support": Tomorrow’s new resistance.
  • "Gap and Crap": When the market opens up and almost immediately sells off. That’s actually a real term used.
  • "Poison Pill": What investors want to take when they see their 201/K balance.
  • "Junk Bond": Government agency investments.
  • "DJIA": Down Jones Industrial Average
  • "Blue Chip": The color of your skin around that broken piece of knuckle you got slamming your first into your desk or keyboard.
  • "Penny Stock": Former DJIA and S&P 500 index components that have been kicked out of the index.
  • "Reiterated Guidance": The new absolute best case scenario for future earnings.
  • "Microsoft": A Man’s libido after talking about the current stock market.
  • "Socialism": The new-age definition of Free Market Capitalism
  • "Recession": A mild downturn in the economy where some friends and neighbors become jobless.
  • "Depression": A mild downturn in the economy that has now turnedhorrible, and now you are jobless along with friends and neighbors.

Jon C. Ogg
November 26, 2008