It’s nice to be able to help out in-laws in need, but, at the end of the day, you’re not responsible for them. So, if you’re not in the right spot to provide financial assistance, you shouldn’t have to feel the pressure to jeopardize your own retirement nest egg or the financial future of your children to help family members who you may or may not even be close with. Indeed, it’s a very touchy subject that you’re sure to find a varied number of opinions on.
While there are no right or wrong answers to such a very personal financial topic, I do believe that one must secure oneself financially before one even starts thinking about giving money away to others. If one isn’t on track with retirement or they’re not what they consider to be “rich,” I find it makes very little sense to think about funding someone else’s retirement before your own.
Before making a major financial decision with a windfall, run the numbers. Utilizing the 4% rule of thumb, a $100,000 inheritance could safely provide roughly $4,000 a year in retirement income, meaning that gifting that capital away permanently reduces your future baseline security. And this applies not just to in-laws but close family members. But what about in the case where one falls into a sudden financial windfall? Does it make sense to support one’s in-laws then?
In this piece, we’ll look at the specific case of a Reddit user, 50, whose significant other wants to use a recent inheritance to help their family who’s been hit with hard times. The twist is that Reddit users don’t want to help and wonder if they’re wrong in such a situation. Let’s find out.
Such cases show that shared finances aren’t for every couple
Despite the Reddit user’s husband’s perceived sense of entitlement, the Reddit user is under no obligation to send a portion of their inheritance to any family member, especially if they’re strongly opposed to such. That said, the matter is between the Reddit user and their husband. And they need to find common ground if the relationship is to stay healthy.
Indeed, even a wonderful thing, such as a financial windfall, can be a bad thing if it means relationships are tarnished. In such a scenario, a family counselor and legal professional seem more necessary than the services of a financial advisor. In any case, it’s my humble opinion that setting boundaries, not just with in-laws but with members within a couple, could be key to a healthier relationship with money-related topics.
Had the bank accounts been separate, there wouldn’t have to be a tug-of-war with what one chose to do with their own money. From a legal standpoint, the boundaries are often clearer than the emotional ones. In many states, an inheritance is legally classified as separate property, meaning it belongs solely to the spouse who received it. The moment those funds are deposited into a joint checking account, however, they become “commingled” marital assets. Maintaining legal clarity can often take the emotional pressure off a defensive spouse. At the end of the day, one should be able to do whatever they’d like with their own hard-earned dollars, whether that’s spending on lavish discretionary goods or giving funds away to a family member in need.
The husband should use his own money to help his parents.
In any case, the husband has every right to send his own money to his parents. However, he should understand he’s stepping over a line when suggesting his significant other should use their own inheritance to support his parents. I think it’s a very strange and entitled request that the Reddit user shouldn’t have to feel bad for shooting down. Had they been fine with doing their husband such a favor, there would be no issue here. However, the fact that Reddit users are so against it suggests they have other priorities in mind.
A windfall or inheritance is not to be treated as money to be splurged. It should be used to boost a nest egg or inheritance for the children. Fortunately, the Reddit user is on the right track. But with pressure from one’s husband, I do think that she should encourage the husband to make his own decisions with his own money rather than treating all incoming cash as something to be split 50/50. If a couple decides to offer support, it doesn’t have to be an all-or-nothing proposition. Instead of handing over a lump sum from an inheritance, consider structured gifting—such as directly paying a critical expense like a mortgage or medical bill to ensure the funds are used intentionally, or setting up a formal family loan with clear repayment terms.
The bottom line
Hopefully, things between the couple get resolved amicably. If not, the relationship could take a turn for the worse, should legal pros and mediators come to the rescue. Either way, I’m sure the husband’s parents wouldn’t want the help if it meant putting their child’s relationship on the ropes. All considered, I’d loop everyone in the conversation and set clear boundaries so that connections can be preserved. After all, it’s such a terrible thing for money to ruin family ties.
Editor’s Note: This article has been updated to include information on calculating retirement readiness using the 4% rule, the legal classification of inheritances as separate versus marital property, and alternative strategies for structured financial gifting.
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