Recently, a single mother sent in a question to the Dave Ramsey show to get some advice. She said she’d followed Ramsey’s tips and was doing well financially, becoming debt-free with an emergency fund and a house that will soon be paid off. However, she’s not getting positive feedback from those in her life.
Instead, the people she’s with at church and family gatherings complain that everything is expensive, make snide comments about haves vs. have-nots, and express their belief that those who own their home and have investments are rich, greedy, and benefit at the expense of others. She feels hurt by this type of talk and wants to know what Ramsey thinks she should do.
Ramsey had some very blunt advice for this caller, but it is advice she would do well to follow.
The case for “stealth wealth”
One way to avoid this specific brand of resentment in the future is by practicing “stealth wealth.” While you should absolutely be proud of hitting major financial milestones, keeping those details private is often the easiest way to protect your peace. You don’t owe your financial blueprint to your extended family or church group. By downplaying your net worth and keeping your investment strategies to yourself, you can avoid triggering the financial insecurities of others while continuing to build your nest egg in silence.
Here’s what to do if your friends criticize your efforts at success
Ramsey did not mince words when he replied to the woman’s question. “You need some new friends,” Ramsey said. “Shake the dust off your sandals and keep moving.”
Ramsey described the negative commentators as “energy vampires, sucking the blood out of your soul,” and warned that this type of negativity is contagious because people often become like those who they spend the most time with.
He suggested limiting time spent with those people based on the amount of energy she has to try to overcome their negativity and likened her situation to one where a former drug addict had to leave his cocaine-using friends behind to build a better life.
Should you ditch your friends if they aren’t on the same financial page?
Ramsey made clear that the woman didn’t have to be mean about leaving these friends behind, but rather that she should limit access to them. And this makes good sense if they’re making her feel bad about her successes. Real friends wouldn’t put someone down for trying to better themselves financially but instead would be excited that someone they cared about succeeded.
While moving on and finding new friends can be difficult, Ramsey is right that continuing to spend a lot of time with people who have this type of negative mindset could be a problem. If her friends are constantly putting down her achievements, it can be harder to feel good about the money moves she is making — or to continue to make the sacrifices she needs to get that house paid off and stay on the path to building wealth.
How to set firm financial boundaries
Ramsey’s advice to “shake the dust off your sandals” is spot-on, but practically speaking, you cannot always completely ghost your family members or community instantly. Instead, you need a plan to shut down these conversations gracefully. If family members or acquaintances start complaining about your choices or making snide comments, you can politely but firmly enforce a boundary. Simply say, “I’ve worked really hard to get to a secure place, but I prefer not to talk about finances when we’re together. Let’s talk about something else.” Consistently repeating a script like this leaves no room for debate and starves the “energy vampires” of the reaction they are looking for.
If instead, she finds new supportive friends who are on a similar financial journey, her chances of long-term success go up. Not only will encouragement and support help her stay the course, but she may just find that she’s motivated to succeed even more if her friends are on the same journey. They can also share financial tips to advance their shared goals.
Of course, Dave’s advice doesn’t suggest that it’s impossible to be friends with people who have less money or different attitudes about money. The issue here isn’t that her friends don’t have as much, but that they are making her feel bad for something she should be proud of.
Whether your friends do this about money, weight loss, or any other goals that you have, they are not the right people to have around as you should be with people who celebrate your successes rather than tear you down.
Editor’s Note: This article has been updated to include information on the concept of stealth wealth as a preventative measure against external resentment, as well as actionable conversational scripts to help readers establish firm financial boundaries with unsupportive friends and family members.
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